I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
