I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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