So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
