I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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