Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
