too bad you live with your parents still
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
