I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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