He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
