we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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