My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
