I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
