He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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