I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
