Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
