i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
