i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
