why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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