Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
