Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
