Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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