There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
