This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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