I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
