No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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