He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
