Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
