I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
