I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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