why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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