We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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