Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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