Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
