like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
