My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
