Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
