The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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