We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
