Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
