Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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