Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
