I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
