Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
