So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
