I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i think im in europe. pls send help
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
