girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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