I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
