The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
