Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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