Tell her she can't have a vagina
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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