somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
