I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
